The secret to happiness...is low expectations
How might you be able to redefine success this week? Photo by Nicolas I. on Unsplash
Like many, this week has been a series of responses (or reactions) as the world continues to change at hyperspeed in front of our eyes. Two or three short weeks ago (I can't even remember the exact dates!), our apartment was a place that three people ate breakfast, slept and hung out in the evenings and weekends. Now, all of our outside worlds are here as well. I'm trying to run a business, my wife is managing to run a project across two continents and my daughter is continuing her education as best as we can manage.
On Monday, I just about broke. There were tears from all three residents and I didn't know how to get through Tuesday, let alone up to six months of this. Since then, we have had 2.5 good days (which feels like a huge win!) and here is the reason.
The secret to happiness is low expectations.
Our happiness or disappointment is basically a function of the relationship between expectations and reality. When our expectations exceed the reality that we experience, then we are disappointed. The inverse occurs when reality exceeds our expectations and we experience happiness. Here is a fancy graph that explains it.
An unscientific and uncomplicated graph.
In real terms for me at the moment, the easiest lever to pull here is not my reality. It's my expectations.
I was broken on Monday because I hadn't adjusted my expectations to adequately respond to reality. I had made no acknowledgement that my capacity was stretched across my roles of father, husband, son, friend and business owner in the context of unprecedented health, social and economic upheaval. Since then, I have made a few adjustments to my expectations. For our family right now, I need to adjust the times (and only a little bit of the total time) that I dedicate to my business. As I reflected, I realised that my frustration and angst arose from being attached to expectations that I didn't even realise that I had.
I had been unrealistic by expecting to be able to work 'normal' hours, assist my daughter with her school, maintain physical and mental health. Of all of these, my work was the one that was able to flex most. It has meant that I get up early (before the sun!) get my big tasks for the day done and any other work is a bonus. It means that I don't get everything that I really want done, but it's not how I'm defining success this week. I then get to switch my attention more fully to my daughter and it has been great - we're doing PE with Joe, developing our netball skills and just as importantly her handball skills.
Every time that I share this concept as a part of a presentation or workshop, people take a while to realise that I am serious. Don't get me wrong, low expectations are not exactly the secret to incredible work but a deliberate and strategic adjustment can be surprisingly useful. I'll share more another time about the combination of high aspirations and low expectations that helps with performance.
I'm willing to bet that you and/or your team members are facing far more challenges than I am at my place. More kids to school, younger kids, partners facing a job loss or uncertainty, health concerns for themselves, family or neighbours. The result of my lowered expectations that were discussed and communicated with others has led to a much happier household. Even more than that, the quality of my work output has increased (who knew that it's hard to be useful to others when you're stressed!?) and it will set me up for longer term success. This won't be forever, it's a temporary triage measure.
Realistically lowering your expectations is a form of self-kindness that you might need right now. Negotiate and communicate it with others as you need to. Realistically adjusting the expectations of your team at this point in time could be one of the most astute decisions that you make.
Some questions for you to consider this week:
How might you be able to redefine success for yourself this week?
How might you be able to redefine success for your teams this week?